Lord Hathaway's New Bride Page 11

  “Your maid told me that you needed the doctor.”

  She threw her hands up in the air then, losing the battle to keep her tears at bay. “I’m bleeding,” she said, hating the tremor in her voice. “And I can’t find a towel to place on the bed so I don’t ruin the sheets…”

  James swore, ignoring his wife’s gasp as he lifted her off her feet and carried her to the bed.

  “I’ll buy you a whole new bed if need be, but you are not going to move from that spot until the doctor arrives.”

  His gaze moved down her form and she saw the color drain from his face. She didn’t have the courage to look down again, afraid of what she’d see.

  “I’m so sorry,” she said before breaking down into sobs, barely able to catch her breath as she wondered if she was being punished in some way. It had taken her months to conceive, and now… Her mind shied away from finishing that thought.

  James said nothing. What was there to say, after all? But he lowered himself onto the side of the bed and pulled her against him, cradling her as she worked to control her fear.

  She didn’t know how long they stayed that way, but her tears had stopped when they finally heard a soft knock at the door.

  James left her then and went to answer the door. She couldn’t make out the muffled voices before James returned to her side.

  “I’ll be right outside while the doctor examines you,” he said, leaning down to place a soft kiss on her forehead.

  She knew he meant the words to be comforting, but she could see the concern in his eyes when he straightened to leave and couldn’t help but feel that she had failed him.

  James hadn’t been waiting long, but each minute that passed seemed like an hour as he paced outside Sarah’s bedroom. Her sobs had torn his heart in two, and he’d never felt more powerless in his life.

  Finally the doctor stepped into the hallway, closing the door softly behind him.

  He lacked the voice to ask, but his heart lifted when he saw the smile on the older man’s face.

  “Your wife is well,” he said.

  “And the baby?”

  “I won’t lie to you,” Dr. Reynolds said. “Your wife is at a very delicate time in her pregnancy. Some women have next to no symptoms during this time and are able to continue their routine with very little modification. But your wife is not one of them. For now, I see nothing to indicate that the pregnancy is in immediate danger. Some women bleed during these early months and reach the end of their confinement with no difficulty. But since we have no way of knowing whether that will be the case for Lady Hathaway, it is important that she rest as much as possible.”

  James felt as though a huge weight has been lifted from his chest. That feeling was short-lived, however, when the doctor continued.

  “Lady Hathaway informed me that the two of you have been sharing a bed. Given the extra care your wife will need to ensure she carries this baby to term, I will have to insist that you forgo visiting her until we know that the health of her and her baby are no longer in danger.”

  The concern James had felt for his wife and unborn child was nothing compared to the guilt that settled over him now. His own selfish needs had caused this. If he had stayed away from Sarah, neither she nor the baby would be in danger now.

  James hesitated outside his wife’s bedroom door after the doctor had left. He didn’t know what he was going to say to Sarah, but he had just steeled himself to face her when the door opened and her maid exited the room.

  “My lord,” she said with a quick curtsy before turning away.

  “Wait,” he said, stopping her. “How is she?”

  “She’s very tired. A good night’s rest will do her wonders.”

  “Maybe I should leave her then.”

  “Oh no,” she said with a quick shake of her head. “My lady is anxious to speak to you.”

  He gave her a curt nod and stepped through the door. Sarah was sitting upright in bed, and his remorse increased when he saw how pale and fragile she looked. He’d done that to her.

  He approached the bed and lowered himself onto the edge, taking hold of one of her hands. It was so very cold.

  “The doctor is optimistic,” she said. “The bleeding has stopped, and he assured me that it looked more shocking than it actually was. Apparently some women are prone to bleeding early in their pregnancy—”

  He silenced her with a soft kiss on her lips. He hated that she seemed to be blaming herself.

  “It was my fault. I shouldn’t have been so demanding of your attention. I assure you that it won’t happen again.”

  Her shoulders slumped at his words. “I’m sorry.”

  He wanted to take her into his arms and just hold her, but they didn’t have that type of relationship.

  “Rest.” Unable to resist, he placed a final kiss on her forehead and left the room.

  Chapter 15

  October 1813

  Five months had passed since Sarah’s one and only bleeding episode. Five months since her relationship with James had come to a screeching halt.

  Dr. Reynolds conducted his examination that morning, peppering her with questions about her level of activity. By his side stood the local midwife, Mrs. Bryers, who had been visiting her often to check on her progress.

  When the doctor was done, Mrs. Bryers helped her back into a seated position and draped a bedsheet over her. Together, they waited for the doctor’s pronouncement.

  “I’ve seen nothing in this, or in my previous examinations, that gives me cause for concern. In my opinion, you are the picture of health.”

  Sarah hadn’t been aware she was holding her breath until that moment. Air rushed out of her lungs, and she gripped the midwife’s hand. “You are quite certain there is no danger to the baby?”

  “No more than any other pregnancy. There is always a risk when a woman is increasing, you understand, but whatever caused you to bleed that one time, it is clear the danger is now well past.”

  “It’s as we’ve told you,” Mrs. Bryers said. “Sometimes women bleed in the early months but go on to have healthy babies. I’ve seen it many times myself.”

  Dr. Reynolds nodded. “Just so.”

  Calm settled over her at their reassurances. Everything was going to be fine. After her initial panic, she’d been certain her baby would be born healthy—she still believed that—but she’d been trying to mentally prepare herself for the worst.

  Her thoughts went immediately to James. The doctor had still advised caution during his previous examinations, but his concern seemed to have passed. “Can my husband and I…?” She was too embarrassed to say the words. And if truth be told, she felt almost greedy asking the question. Surely it was too much to hope that everything would now fall into place for her and James.

  The doctor smiled benevolently at her. “Yes, you can resume marital relations. If you’d like to rest now, I’ll see if I can find him to tell him the good news. He’s been very concerned for your well-being.”

  “Thank you so much, Dr. Reynolds.” The words seemed inadequate.

  The doctor turned to leave, and she tried to be patient while Mrs. Bryers fussed over her for a bit.

  When the midwife finally left, she made her way downstairs. Her skin tingled. She couldn’t wait to find James. Surely their marriage would now go back to normal. She was larger, but she knew from their past lovemaking that there were ways for a man and woman to be together where her size wouldn’t be a hindrance.

  James wasn’t in his study, and when she asked the butler about his whereabouts, she was dismayed to learn that he’d gone out. She returned to her room, wondering if the doctor had spoken to him.

  Needing to distract herself as she waited for James to return, Sarah decided to visit the dower house. The doctor had lifted the physical restrictions under which he’d placed her, yet she made sure to keep a leisurely pace. The twenty-minute walk stretched to half an hour, and a footman followed in case she needed assistance. She arrived at the smaller ho
use flushed from the unaccustomed exertion yet happy at her newfound freedom.

  She did, however, ask for a carriage to fetch her at the end of her visit. She didn’t want to risk overexerting herself on her first day away from home in months.

  It was midafternoon when she arrived home, and she was excited to learn that James had also returned. She thanked the butler and proceeded to her bedroom, wanting to refresh her appearance before seeing him.

  Nerves assailed her as she made her way upstairs. Their time apart had been a constant ache. At first she’d missed the physical side of their relationship most, but it didn’t take her long to discover that what she really missed was him. All of him. The way he looked at her, how he went out of his way to check in with her throughout the day.

  When she’d first started experimenting with the oil paints he’d given her at Christmas, he’d checked on her progress daily. He’d been there for her first few abysmal attempts, and when she’d finally started developing a feel for the new medium, the wonder on his face lifted her heart. She could almost feel his pride at those first modest accomplishments.

  James was supremely confident most of the time, but now and again she’d caught a brief glimpse of uncertainty on his face. She hated that she’d caused that disquiet. She’d vowed to keep him at a distance, and for so long she’d succeeded. She wished now that she’d taken the advice of James’s aunt and told him about her feelings. Because of her need to protect herself from being hurt, he’d withdrawn from her completely once they could no longer be intimate.

  His absence had left a void in her heart. The only time she saw him now was over dinner, and more often than not his mother and sister were also present. He’d excuse himself once the meal was over, and she wouldn’t see him again until the following evening.

  She knew he wasn’t sleeping in his bedroom, though she had heard him moving around during the day on occasion. It hadn’t taken her long to start wondering if he was fulfilling his needs with another woman. Sharing the pleasures he used to share with her. He was, after all, a very physical man.

  From there her thoughts had wandered into darker territory, imagining what would happen if another woman willingly shared more of herself than Sarah had been willing to give. It terrified her that he might come to love someone else.

  Would James even want her now, given how large she’d become?

  That thought had her hesitating outside her bedroom door, but only for a moment. Miranda Hathaway—no, she was Miranda Sanderson now—had been correct. She should have told James how she felt all those months ago. Now it might be too late.

  Taking control of her wayward thoughts, Sarah straightened her shoulders and entered her bedroom. She would freshen up and then go in search of her husband.

  She was reaching for the bellpull to summon her maid when the door to the dressing room that separated her bedroom from James’s opened. Sarah spun around, her heart in her throat, expecting to see James. Instead, her maid rushed into the room. Startled, it took Sarah a few seconds to realize the importance of what she was seeing.

  Alice was normally impeccable in her appearance, but at that moment she could only be described as disheveled. She was trying to straighten her loosened hair as she took a few steps into the room but froze when she spotted Sarah. Her cheeks were flushed, her uniform wrinkled.

  Sarah’s heart stuttered. She turned away quickly. Her vision swimming with unshed tears, she reached for a bedpost to steady herself.

  Alice rushed to her side and grasped her around the waist. “My lady, are you unwell? Should I call for the doctor?”

  A bubble of hysterical laughter threatened to erupt at the question. The doctor had just told her that everything was perfect with her, only it wasn’t. Her life was as far from perfect as possible.

  “I turned too quickly,” she said, unable to keep the slight tremor from her voice. “I am feeling a little light-headed. Could you bring me something to eat?”

  “Of course, my lady. What would you like?”

  Sarah didn’t think she’d be able to keep anything down just then, but she needed to get Alice out of the room. “Anything will do.”

  “I’ll fetch something right away.”

  With a curtsy, her maid hurried from the room and Sarah let out a shaky breath. She tried to tell herself that she was jumping to conclusions and that Alice wouldn’t betray her in that way. She knew her husband’s sexual appetite was large, and it had been months since they’d last made love, but surely he wouldn’t conduct an affair with her maid right under their roof.

  She could try to find out.

  Her gaze moved to the dressing room door, but she hesitated as she considered her next course of action. She could remain where she was, wait for Alice to return with something Sarah knew she wouldn’t be able to eat. She could approach James another time, after her nerves had settled.

  Or she could go through the dressing room to his bedroom and confront him.

  Her head told her to take the first course of action, but her heart prevailed. She couldn’t live with the uncertainty.

  Her hands settled on her belly, and she took several deep breaths. Finally, her breathing somewhat steady, she dropped her hands, straightened her shoulders, and entered the dressing room.

  It was empty, of course. Pressing forward lest she lose her nerve, she opened the second door and stepped into her husband’s bedroom.

  She’d been hoping to find it empty as well. Instead, her husband faced away from her while his valet stood behind him, a freshly starched cravat in his hands. On the bed lay a crumpled shirt and waistcoat.

  He turned to face her, his freshly laundered shirt gaping open at the neck.

  Her stomach dropped and her legs threatened to give way. Why would he be changing so early? Given the state her maid had been in when she’d exited the dressing room, Sarah could only think of one reason. Words fled and she could only stare at him in silence, her heart aching.

  James frowned. He motioned for his valet to continue, and the other man draped the fabric he was holding around James’s neck and proceeded to tie the simple knot she knew her husband preferred.

  “Did you wish to say something or just gawk at me?”

  She flinched at the harshness of his tone. “I need to speak to you in private.”

  He said nothing and she waited. Dread was now a living, breathing thing inside her, and she had to wrestle with the almost overwhelming urge to turn and flee.

  Fenton finished tying the knot and James dismissed him. When they were alone, he turned to face her. The expression on his face could only be described as forbidding.

  Sarah hesitated as she considered what to say. How did one go about discussing the subject of resuming marital relations with one’s husband? Despite what she now suspected to be true, she wanted… No, she needed to find a way back into her husband’s affections. She told herself that Alice was merely a convenient diversion. If James was able to turn to his wife to satisfy his needs, he would have no use for the other woman.

  She licked her lips, and he flinched before his scowl deepened. That small telltale sign that he wasn’t immune to her gave her the courage to continue.

  “The doctor was here this morning.”

  “I know.”

  “Did he… did he speak to you before he left?”

  James hesitated, and for a moment she wasn’t sure he was going to reply. Then he said simply, “Yes.”

  His admission surprised her. She’d assumed that the doctor hadn’t had the opportunity to speak to him.

  “So you know?”

  He said nothing.

  “You know that there is nothing to stop us from enjoying the relationship we had before he placed me on bed rest?”

  “Yes, there is. Bedding you might hold only a small risk to our child’s health, but it is a risk I am unwilling to take.”

  “But the doctor said there was no risk at all. I have been completely healthy since then. It’s been months, and Dr. Re
ynolds said that if the baby was at risk, I would have continued to bleed.”

  He turned away from her, that small motion telling her more than words that he would not bend. And why should he? When faced with bedding his wife, who was as large as one of his horses, or his current mistress, what man wouldn’t choose the latter?

  Somehow she kept her voice from trembling when she continued. “I’m sorry to have disturbed you.”

  She managed to hold on to the shreds of her dignity as she exited the room through their shared dressing room. When her maid returned with something for her to eat, she feigned that she was asleep. She listened while the young woman placed the tray on her dressing table before quietly exiting the room. Only then did she allow her tears to fall.

  He’d made a horrible hash of things with Sarah, but James forced himself not to follow when she walked away from him. The only thing stopping him from plowing his hand into the wall was the knowledge that Sarah would hear it, and the last thing he wanted to do was to upset her even more than he’d already done.

  Anger, directed mainly at himself, and frustration were his ever-present companions and he struggled daily to stay away from his wife. When he’d seen her standing in the dressing room doorway, he’d thought for a moment that he was dreaming.

  It had taken every ounce of strength he possessed not to pull her into his arms and clutch her like a drowning man. Surely this was what it felt like to go insane. His nerves were frayed and his very skin felt too tight.

  When she’d told him that she wanted to resume their lovemaking… He closed his eyes, feeling again the surge of lust that had risen within him. He’d been intentionally cold to her and hated himself for the hurt he’d seen in her eyes. But he’d needed to ensure she left before he caved and gave in to his baser urges. He vowed to make it up to her after their child was born. He only prayed it wouldn’t be too late and that her feelings hadn’t turned to hate before then.